Speaking too soon

You know its funny. You blab away thinking that the world stops while you speak. It doesnt. Sometimes you think you know all the facts. Sometimes you dont but you are convinced you do.

So after writing my first blog yesterday, i returned home from work that my auntie had died that morning.......... that woman so full of life, energy, bubbly and confident had passed away to leave a cold shell of the woman who she was. A woman who supplied such light to our lives, has lost a battle against the dark shadows that plagued her x-rays. I feel this blog is going to be plagued by cliches and well used lines. Thus as much as i hate to say it, she will be missed.

On top of all of this, I feel greatly for her husband, my uncle. Ive been led to believe (after all sometimes you dont know all the facts!) being told that if the worst did happen, she could be resusitated but it would happen repeatedly and could eventually lead to brain trauma. consequently he submitted what ever the british equivelant of the DNR order is (you will have to forgive how watching to much E.R has effected my terminology). Up until now I felt this sort of thing would be easy, but being able to see the love in his and her face the last time I saw them in hospital together, I wouldnt wish this decision to be made by anyone. I dont think I could have made it for anyone, I guess only time will help with the "what if" thoughts, that will no doubt plague him. Saying that both my head and my heart says that he did the right thing.

Personally, I think my immediate family fear im loosing the plot. After hearing the news of what had happened to her I sat down watched tv with my father and together we laughed at the dry sarcasm that weaves through Stargate. Dinner was made and I ate with my family. It was a quiet meal, Eastenders penetrating the silence like listening to the traffic. While relaxing in the garden. You didnt have to listen or watch it but its there to remind you of the world continually mooving. I'm glad it was on, I think the silence would have been to much for me while I was eating. Eastenders came and went, as did dads "Bitza" (bits of left over meals thrown in together. Most of these come from the freezer, before people think he is trying to bump us off with Salmonella and E. coli poisoning).

After this I decided to go and play football as I do every tuesday. I still dont know if this was the best thing to do. Part of me feels I should have been at home with my family, the other part is glad I went, I enjoy the run around, the effort involved. The sweat and the heart pumping. I dont know the people there too well, they are all essentially friends of a friend. Thus I didnt really feel I could tell anyone about what had happened. Part because of how I dont really know them, part because i didnt know what they would think of me. Should I have been at home?? I still dont know. What I do know is that I enjoyed the football. Is it perverse?? Should I have stayed at home hugging my sister because she found my aunts msn address still there on her msn or should I have gone out and done what my aunt did best: LIVE??

After football and watching "CSI" with my parents, I watched a tv show called "Street Wars". I like this show, a sort of documentry based in Guildford, showing the police going about doing their buisness. They do also show clips from around the world, but primarly its set in Guildford. I have great respect for the police, more so than some of my friends even though they abide by the law. Conscequently watching them restrain someone to the floor after a drunken brawl in a night club, is of great amusement as well as respect. It's also good to know someone is looking over you while I go for a drink with my mates. The thing I dont get is people who turn violent after a few "jars". What the fuck is wrong with them?? Perhaps im a peace loving hippy. Perhaps i can enjoy myself without the need to smash someones face in. Perhaps i can hold my drink and i know my limits. Perhaps my parents brought me up to be a respectful person. Eitherway its good to watch the police do their thing. (Talking of which, ive got the application form at home for the British Transport Police, I am going to have to fill it in.)

After that I went upstairs and showered. I always wait a while after tuesday night football before I shower. Disgusting I know, but on a tuesday night its not like Im gonna go out and get laid, so I dont care. Besides it gave me some time on my own to collect my thoughts about my aunt, about her life and how she influenced mine. after a emotional shower (and running out of shower gel! why do I get distracted by little things?) I returned to my room. To sleep. Or at least attempt too..

One thing though kept on going through my mind evey since I found out what has happened. How can I help my family (both my immediate and extended), what things can I do to help them? Should I think about my self? Should I think about my aunt?

I guess this tangle of emotions will unravel after time.

Blog'o'licious

"All aboard the last train to blogality"...............

Thought I was gone miss this bandwagon.

*phew*

This is my diary to world, personal, opinionated........... No doubt someone on the interweb super surf board highway will think it will be complete and utter B.S. (and bad English)

To be honest this is just a vent, something and somewhere to blow off some steam. The past month or so has been turbulent for me, various family members being struck ill, one probably wont return back to normal, (a blow not only to my family emotionally, but also to also to our stomachs. She could make the best chocolate cakes and cheese scones we had ever had) the other one currently being in hospital with cancer. Every one is hoping for a swift recovery, trying be strong for someone who was one of the most energetic people I ever known, but a toll of drinking and smoking can knock the life out of anyone, not just a middle aged aunt.

I guess these things are sent to test us. My mother said as we ate dinner "two things are certain in life: you get born and you die". Morbid, to say the least, considering this is her mother and sister in law. Also, sadly, true.

All of this is being typed when i should be checking for the "deceased" clients for my work. Strange how its hard to seperate these things when they are so close to home.